I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
