he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
