he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
