Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
