So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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