Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
