I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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