Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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