I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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