Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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