i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
