I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
