i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize