I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
