remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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