When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
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do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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