i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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