i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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