He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
