Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I won the penis lottery.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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