You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
