I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
you had me at cake vodka
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
