He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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