If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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