what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
