it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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