I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
