i may or may not be watching the land before time
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
