i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
