Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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