yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
