I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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