nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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