i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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