I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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