Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
