i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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