every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
