So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
