I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
