Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
