and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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