I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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