I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
