new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
