Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
