I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can you bring me the toilet please
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
