Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
