I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
