Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
