I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
