He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
