So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
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I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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