No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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