All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
