I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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