I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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