The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
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Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
so much tequila, so little girl.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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