I just cut my nipple shaving
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
