dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
