i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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